OH SHE WISHES IT WILL BE ‘MA MA’.

When mommy heard about you, she was so happy. She could not believe that you’re finally here. Her little angel, whether you are a boy or a girl, it doesn’t matter. Mommy can’t stop thinking of names. She can’t stop thinking of plans for you, of what adventures you and she will experience. She wondered what will be your first word, will it be ‘Ma Ma’? Oh she wishes it’ll be ‘Ma Ma’. She would be so trilled. Every night, she would caress her tummy as if she’s caressing you. Every morning, she would greet you good morning as if you were actually there. Every afternoon, she will take a break as if she would spend the time with you. Months past and mommy senses something is wrong. But she is optimistic, so she put it aside and ignore the gut feeling. She continued her day with a smile in her face but the ‘funny feeling’ just won’t go away. A day or two have past, but still ‘funny feeling’ still lingers in mommy’s inside. It’s not you, child, it’s not you, which then made her consult her doctor just to be sure. ‘Everything seems fine. Hormones are high as expected. Laboratory results suggest your in the right track.’ The doctor said with a reassuring smile, and this gave daddy a big sigh of relief but mommy is not satisfied. It was her 5th month of pregnancy, meaning your heart beat can now be heard. ‘Can I listen to her heart beat?’ She was then laid and lubricant on her tummy, the doc manipulated the probe. She peeled her ear, wash away all sounds and static, and gave her 110% attention to the monitor beside her. Her eyes, trying to picture out the figures on the monitor, she supposed the little circle is your head. Her ears, patiently waiting on the little heart beat of yours. After a moment, she looked at her doctor’s face and she sense that there is really something wrong and she was very afraid of what that might be. The doctor stopped gazed at your mom and said, ‘There is no heart beat. I’m afraid the baby died some time during your pregnancy.’ Air left her lungs, she can’t breath. Palpitations, blood left her skin, she felt cold, and the room circling faster and faster. She shut her eyes to compose herself. She wants to say something but the only thing that left her body are tears, ice cold tears. She can tell that daddy is holding her, but she felt no warmth, no comfort, no assurance. She went numb, I went numb, my child. Up until now, I am imaging your little fingers, your little smiles, your little laughter, your soft skin, your little eyes deeply looking through mine. I am sorry, my child, have I done wrong, it was not listening to my mother’s instinct. I was to blind of your existence, that I neglected all the signs. I was to preoccupied of imagining of our adventures that I became deaf of your cry for help. Guilt still haunt me. Regret house me. Self-loath victorious over self-forgiveness. Shame overhauls me. For what resulted of you, I am so sorry.