I’m a nurse.
I started working in this psychiatric institution. It all started there. My first professional training ground. I was nervous and excited as I walked through the gates. By the corner of the solarium, I saw him there sitting. The snob look he wore that day lingered my thoughts for a few days. It was like I had this feeling, not of caution or curiosity. It was different. It was something a nurse should not feel towards a patient. I shrugged it off right then for my priority is to learn. I was there to broaden my knowledge and develop my skills. The next day, he sat across me in the hallway. We exchanged names and had a witty conversation. I was attached; his smile, his wit, I fell for it.
Since then, I had this drive to somehow rush to drown in 8 hours of work. I adored the way he smiles, the way he greets me, the way he calls my name. My ears flutter, my lips turn to a smile, my body warms up. There’s something in his eyes that made me want to lose myself and break the boundaries of nurse-patient relationship. I read about his history. I found out that his wife brought him to the facility. I found out that he was a law student. I found out that the stress of law school took its toll on him and he ventured into using weed. I pushed it to the back of my mind and disregarded what I just discovered. Four years of college education went to trash and was replaced with hopes of him to finally, once & for all change.
The next week, he confessed he had a thing for me. It made my life that time. I hope he saw the sparkle in my eyes and the blush on my cheeks. I hope he sensed the priority I gave him since then. I knew that it was very wrong, but his smile and our conversation just gave me reasons to risk my professional boundary.
But yesterday was a busy day. A lot of things must be done. The doctor was in, a new patient needs attending, and a restless patient became defiant. I was working for 9 hours straight and I was tired. As I did my duties, he entered the room. I asked him to sit across me. He asked why and I said I need inspiration. He sat and he smiled the smile that captured me, now caged me. As I placed my hands on my knees to rest, he grabbed it with both of his hands and held on it. The warmth of his touch let out a giggle from my lips and flushed all my exhaustion away. I could have withdrawn my hand but I let it be. A bittersweet sentiment as I have crossed that line.
As I go to work today, elated is an understatement. I can’t wait to see him. I just can’t wait to see. I walk with a half run. I peel my ears for his voice I want to hear as I enter the gates. Other patients greeted, but where is he? I enter the room but still nothing from him. I sit and listen as the endorsement begins. It was then I discovered. He was discharged. His wife fetched him. A sudden cold entity engulfs me. My insides twitch. I feel something ripping inside. I must not react, I must control myself, and I must control the storm that’s on the rise inside me. I can’t wait for this day to end. I can’t wait drown myself in misery. I can’t believe my stupidity. I saw it coming but I didn’t saw the pain coming. This is bad. This is bad for me. Yesterday I risked it and today I am suffering from it.
